Elias Nutting

Elias is well…actually amazing– making healing look like easy business. He is walking on his own now that his hip (where they took the bone for fusion) is healing, can feed himself, and hasn’t taken any pain meds since the first few days home from the hospital. He didn’t like how they disconnected “himself from himself”. He said he knew the pain was still there, but the meds tried to make his brain ”not care”. He hated the feeling so decided he was done being in pain and hasn’t taken them since. His scars are impressive…did I just say that? Jonny does the changing of the collar and most of the care Eli needs–actually I need to leave the room, nursing is soooo not my gift.

He is loving all the books on CD his loving classmates and friends have brought him… and the cards, and the books, and the games, and the journal, and the trips to the library for him, and the calls to update him on the latest goings on in the sixth grade, the visits, and the worry dolls…and so am I!

He tires out easily still and takes naps throughout the day. He has learned his limits and respects the process of recovery now after pushing the boundary a few times…his mama is very thankful for that lesson! But most of all I think he is grateful for the recliner his teacher Ms. Wilner is letting him borrow! I think she might have a fight on her hands to get it back.

Thanksgiving held special meaning this year for us. To feel thankful down to the core of my being…that part of myself that has laid under the protective barrier that was built around it–that I built with of course the help of our societal way…the ”me and my”. I truly can breath deeper some how…and it feels right. Below is my account, feelings, and gratitude. It is long, wordy, and corny…just like me. So read on if you dare.

It was painful at first, the overflowing wave of compassion and support that was crashing in around our family. It took all my energy to protect myself from it at first…it was an unfamiliar feeling and I was exhausting myself by fighting it. I truly did not know any better…my society and culture didn’t teach me any better. Deep down I wanted this lesson. Deep down under my conscious self, I called this lesson to me long ago.

I became curious the more exhausted I became. What would it be like to actually allow myself to feel this wave? To allow it to penetrate that barrier that I and society had so strategically placed around “me and my”? To allow myself to fully be able to receive? It is easy to give, but can it also be easy to receive? There must be something to it…some magic. Can we fully give if we can’t let ourselves fully receive?

That feeling is unexplainable…definitely painful in the beginning…then once allowed to pass through, there are no words that even come close to explaining the feel of the healing love, empathy, and compassion I allowed to rush in. Not just around myself, but I went one step further and let it through that barrier each one of us mamas place around our little families. I am so grateful I did…the lessons of the pure love of community my children are receiving are priceless.  I found one word though through this process of learning the art of receiving (the hardest lesson I have ever had to learn)…the name of the barrier, it’s called pride.

This new feeling brought on a wave within myself…gratitude beyond words:

I am so very thankful for the surgeon’s nimble and wise hands, his life work and dedication to the human body, his empathy, and soul. I am thankful for Dr. Micheal Allen and Linda and their compassionate and loving care in getting my son not just physically ready for surgery but emotionally as well with all their homeopathics and wise advice. I am thankful for those amazing Shriners–they are much more than men in funny hats driving little cars in parades– and for the nurses who set up beds for us and made sure our son was taken care of.

I am thankful for the Newton family and their amazing courage to share with me that Craig’s brother just happens to be one of the worlds top pediatric spinal surgeons…Peter Newton. Their calls to him and their support throughout has been amazing. Our visit to San Diego last summer was–for lack of a better work–karmic. I am thankful he connected us to Elias surgeon, Dr. Gupta…the other top pediatric spinal surgeon in the world. Just an amazing story that I needed to share, with a moral of course… Always share what you know…don’t ever let fear keep you from it…you never know what might become of that information! It just might turn out to be a priceless gem.

I am thankful for the strength of my partner Jonny. His invisible arms that stretch out, like magic, creating an area of peace in the middle of the storm. My favorite place to be…inside those arms. I am thankful for my daughters and their grace, thoughtfulness, and place within this family. They are my gauge in so many ways, the lessons they teach me everyday are priceless.

I am thankful for the caring nature of our family. The prayers that came our way reached us from the far corners of the world. The overwhelming love and care each one of my siblings bring to my life. Beans and cornbread, loving calls with arms that stretch a distance, and essential oil… They each have given me a gift that I carry with me throughout my journey…priceless they are to me! I am thankful for all my nieces and nephews and the pure joy it is to watch them blossom into amazing human beings– all with gifts that society will benefit from. I am thankful for the wisdom and nurture of the skilled hands of my sister-in-law Sherah and my mom-in-law Karen hold. They created a container and carried my little family when I could not…their nursing hands giving us the confidence to carry on. I am thankful for Brandon and the strength and hope he gave my son…his cousin. I am thankful for the Uncle Matty visit and the Grandpa prayers.

I am more than grateful for that band of friends of mine (do they know I consider them more than that?) that do not listen to me. They didn’t listen when I said, “I can totally do this on my own..no need to fuss, I got it under control…I even have time allotted to “break down” if need be…see look, I even have it marked on the calendar…see it says “allow self to break down”…I am being very responsible…I have it all planned out”. Could they really see through my barrier…my pride, my ignorance. Where did they get the strength to push? Could they see my plan had holes? I am thankful for those friends that have dropped back into our lives from rainy Portland, just in the nick of time…Everyone should have friends that don’t listen to them.

I am thankful for the nourishing meals that have come our way. Nourishing us physically yes, but more than that…they have nourished our souls. Again like magic, with each bite, compassion, love, prayers, light, and holding flood our bodies (this happens as long as I keep pride at bay). I am thankful to Mary and her white board with color coordinated pens. =)

I am thankful for Elias’ teacher Bonnie Wilner. Someone who knows our son as well or better sometimes than us. From the very first day Elias stepped through her doors I felt her presence hold my son–did I imagine that?…no. She was the reason I could drop him off every morning. She was the reason he was given the opportunity to be free and have a childhood filled with hikes, field trips, and yes… tree climbing. With out her…maybe I would have wrapped him in bubble wrap and never let him leave the house. It’s the reason we are at the school my children attend and the reason our path here in Fair Oaks began to unfold… all from that very first meeting with Elias’ arms wrapped so tightly around her waist. Was he really just seven? Were his angels telling me this is where he/we needed to be?

From that very first meeting a chain reaction happened…meeting fellow parents who would become more than friends, people that would help me raise my babies, meeting children who would become so comfortable in our home that they can open the refrigerator and help themselves.

These children who cut their hair off so their friend feels their support or stop by the night before surgery just to be with him, friends that sat with him at the hospital feeding him the latest gossip just as if nothing had changed–just seeing Eli and not the tubes, braces, and bandages. These children who fold cranes and make snowflakes and get well picture boards…priceless.

The amazing mamas who can get a quilt together in a matter of days and the sixth grade hands…past and present who put it together with love… Meeting teachers and staff that would take time away from answering phones to hug me and cry with me…that would hold my son, my whole family in their thoughts and prayers…really…am I dreaming or does this really exist? Some I have met only briefly…and yet they are there with a smile, a card, or a hug, even a meal…I am in awe.

I am thankful to all the arms that held us and continue to hold us, that let us be vulnerable, that let us cry, that let us laugh, that let us be participants and not just mere observers throughout this journey called life. That let us feel everything that accompanies this path…the joy, the sorrow, the love, the unknown, the anticipation, the grief, and most of all… the community. We are here to be human, yes?

I am thankful my fellow mamas…my sisters that help me raise my babies, that came to the hospital with miso and turkey broth to nourish my son. That stopped by my house and saw me crying over a frozen chicken–was I really crying about the chicken?– and took it from my hands with a hug and said “No worries”.  That laid their loving healing hands on my son when he was breathless with the pain… while my hands lay unknowing at my sides. Those sisters that came to sit with me, hold me, nourish me, bring me tea, soup, a joke, a laugh, a sigh, and a smile with chai on the side, and even stopped by my house and gave me a foot rub…did I really let her do that? Oh yea, I didn’t have a choice. The ”tea sister” and her agave. Those sisters who took my baby girls and made ginger bread houses with them and let them sleep over when this mama could not. And all those mamas who offered to take my girls, give them rides, help with them, care for them… They took time out of “life”…what do I say to them? I truly ache from my lack of words.

My fellow mamas…sisters from afar with their love reaching me and my family from the far corners of the world, I felt their thoughts, their love, their support and prayers like they were again standing in the room next to me. The calls, emails, cards, and letters filled my soul. I smiled thinking of some and the post partum memories with all our tiny babies filling a room…I smiled thinking of some and the trouble we got in before the thought of being a mother even existed!

I am thankful for my son and the lessons he has so patiently taught me. I am thankful for that higher being that sees a bigger picture…and a community that reflects that. And for the miracles we live with everyday…

At a time when a twelve year old is just beginning to look away from his family, is just starting to find his autonomy, discovering where he ends and his family begins…to then turn into the compassionate eyes of his friends and the empathetic arms of uncles, aunts, teachers, fellow mamas and papas that make up a community…to give him this gift of what the real world can resemble…what “self in community” really means…is priceless and I will forever be grateful to all. Like I said before…just like magic– if we allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to believe it can be…

So here is to tearing down barriers and walls and the true work it takes to build community..to the hope it takes and the magic that truly does exist. I am not going to say, “I owe you one”. That would totally take away from the moment. Because I want to fully receive your unconditional gifts. That is what they are and I am not going to let my pride place conditions of ”pay back” on them. I am learning that if we consciously work toward seeing the other person in front of us there is a sense of magic that reaches to that protected core….thank you for that lesson you all are teaching me, as difficult as it is to learn…priceless. I truly am humbled….

blessings, peace, and all my true unconditional love,